Ga ke itse. I don't know. This phrase is my mantra at the moment. I'm annoyed at my turbulent surface. Deep down, it's all calm, it always is - my innermost heart has learned to grasp onto the peace that surpasses all understanding - but right now, every other part of me feels like a ship caught in stormy waters, being tossed to and fro...

Why?

This question haunts me. Right now, I feel as if everyone I know is passing me by, and I'm here, just standing still. Why?

Lately, I've felt an overwhelming urge to pray for someone. Why?

I have this feeling God wants me to move somewhere, this would mean a major upheaval in my life and an unknown future for my college career. Why?

And yet, I feel so far away from God right now. Why?

Ga ke itse. I just want to go away and go somewhere I can wrestle with God. I want to scream and yell, but I want His comfort and His words. What is my purpose? I want to give it all up for Him... but what comes from my own depraved heart and what comes from His?

I think I need to spend some time focusing on how I view God. I need to see His sovereignty in my life.

my nose

It smells so good outside right now, the slightly wet, but fresh smell of a dark and balmy night. I know I should be asleep... I'm sick, my voice will definitely be gone tomorrow and I'll be exhausted, but it's just so peaceful right now. I am exactly where I should be. I am so blessed. God loves me and I really love him. I feel like I'm sitting in a field full of beautiful flowers, watching clouds pass by all afternoon with the promise of music and laughter and love to fill my life for years to come. The sun doesn't burn and the breeze is just right, and right now I'm content, just waiting, just enjoying the gift of time. I am happy - so happy.

Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

I love this Psalm, and right now, I am so firmly rooted next to that stream of water and I am basking in the joy that can only come from the Lord - from the eternity He placed in my heart. God, I love you, so much. Ke a leboga.

break me so I can be Yours

BREAK US // when i sit in the stillness of the darkest night and i listen to the thoughts of my heart this heart that is broken and the wounds that reopen oh break it by the power of your grace * break us by the power of your grace oh Lord won’t you break us by the power of your grace break us remake us don’t let the sorrow take us break us by the power of your grace * when i stand in the glory of a holy God and I flee and i cover my face this heart hard with shame yet you still call my name oh break me by the power of your grace * break us by the power of your grace oh Lord won’t you break us by the power of your grace break us remake us don’t let the sorrow take us break us by the power of your grace * when i leave this world and i’m homeward bound to a heaven and earth that’s remade this world full of sorrow will be glory tomorrow he’ll remake it by the power of his grace * break us by the power of your grace oh Lord won’t you break us by the power of your grace break us remake us don’t let the sorrow take us break us by the power of your grace // KELLEY MCRAE

I know intimately what Paul meant when he said he was the worst of sinners. Don’t worry Paul, you’re not alone... I too, am the worst of sinners. I sometimes look at my life and I see all the missed opportunities… all the times I ignored the voice of the Lord or tarnished His name. Worst of all, I look inside of my own heart and I see the sins I hide there – where no one can see them. Ah, and how clever I think I am, hiding these from the world, hiding them from the Lord. Honestly, I’m such a fool. I can’t hide anything from Him. He knows the heart of man, He knows my heart. Yet, He forgives me and lavishes me with a love I don’t deserve and could never repay. So, after long hours of searching my soul, I surrender to Him yet again. I confess all the hidden things to Him and pray for strength. Realistically, I know I’ll fall again, but each time brings me a little closer. Each time He breaks my heart and remakes it, a little closer to His image of me. I try and remind myself that each day – God sees me, not as man sees me, but as only He can – through the blood of His son, who paid the price I never could.

I have to stop looking to the world to fill the empty places; the world can never do that. God put eternity in my heart and that part of me longs for fulfillment that only God can give. Every day I have to remind myself to surrender completely and wholly to Him. If I don’t, I’ll never feel complete, I’ll never fulfill the plans He has for me… And I know they are good plans and I want to be strong enough to be the woman God is calling me to be. The older (and hopefully wiser) I become, the more I recognize the deep longing every woman has inside for the love of our Father… Looking for that love in places other than God has caused me (and so many others) so much pain. How I long to put my trust solely in Him and to rest my head in His lap and to let Him take my burden of worries… but it’s so hard. I’m trying though – I know that I am more than just a sum of my circumstances and actions, but some days, it’s hard to believe that.

It’s also so frustrating because honestly – I know this – but getting my head and heart to agree is another thing. And, actually, I’m really happy and content. I’ve been incredibly blessed. I know God and I know His voice. It’s just every so often, it rains. I was reading several devotionals this morning and even though I was just picking them online at random, every single one of them was about storms. Right now, I’m just looking at some drizzle, but I can’t help but wonder – is there a storm brewing? If there is, I’m okay with that. I know that through the storms, I’ll seek shelter in the refuge of His wings and maybe I’ll come out stronger in the end. I know God is sovereign and everything, even the storms, works for the good of those called according to His purpose.

Today, I’m going to choose to trust Him – with all my heart and with joy. Even if I’m right back to this same place tomorrow, I’ll just make the same decision again. I believe in Him and I believe in His word. He will never leave me, never forsake me and He loves me. I will love Him back, even when it hurts and even when He’s teaching me a hard lesson. I will accept my failures. I will look toward the Lord to set my standards. I will laugh and smile and be full of joy. I believe that this life and this season of my life is a precious gift and He is there, showing me the way to go. I will believe that my Father is proud of me, that I am worthy of His pride.

Not a sermon, just a thought...

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

Albert Einstein

Sometimes, I hate to read the news. It can be so depressing. Some people get happy, thinking, ah! The end is near, blah blah blah. I don't. The end coming near, while great for some, is a definite bad ending for so many.

That's all I'm saying.

Uganda believe it!

Hey, so I'm here in Uganda and I love it. It's hard to put it all into words. My team is absolutely excellent and amazing ministry is happening. We went to Bethany Village today which is a child developement centre (orphanage) on an island in Lake Victoria. The boat ride over was fun and the kids were so loving.

The church we are partnering with, Makerere Community Church is full of people sold out to loving the Lord. Prayer is so central to everything here.

I can't wait until I have more time to tell you more stories.

Much love!

Short Update before I head out of country.

Well, the project going to Uganda - it's absolutely amazing. I cannot wait to be there and to get to serve with this team. We have the best group of teens and young adults I could ask for, and I'm loving being a part of this leadership team.

God's laying a lot of things on our hearts, but one thread connecting it all is love. We are wanting to be examples of God's love... I'm running on very little sleep now and I'm very exhausted so I don't have much more to say now, but a few prayer requests:

- safe travel for all (we have flights over the next three days)
- luggage stays with us
- against any sickness
- against the devil trying to worm his way in and distract our teams
- cohesiveness and unity
- outpouring of God's love
- pray for our Global Partners and for the nationals as well as our teams

I love you all and look up 1 John 4:10-11 for my co-leader and my heartbeat for the team.

Squee!!!!

Praise the Lord for He is GOOD and FAITHFUL!!!!!

"Congratulations! On behalf of the U.S. Department of State, Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs and the Institute of International Education (IIE), I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected as a recipient of the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship..."

You can follow my student exchange adventure here. It's a blog I am keeping as a requirement of my Follow On Project for the Gilman.

I'm riding a high now, but, I am blogged out for the day.