The Breakdown of Me

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T17:21:00.001-08:00

I can hardly believe another year has gone by but it has. Looking back, I'd say this is a hard year to describe. It's been really really good, yet at the same time, I've felt more hurt and vulnerable this year than I have in a long time. Looking forward to next year, I know that my life is going to radically change. I am moving to a new city and staring grad school. I'm still not sure where my life is leading me but, at least at this moment, I'm content to follow where the path is leading me. There's a lot I wish I could say here, but for once in my life, I really just don't have the words.

I think it's best put like this. In one of my classes this past semester we studied the idea of double consciousness, an idea put forth by W. E. B. Du Bois as a fragmented view of oneself through the lens of another and further explored by others in the context of cultural minorities or marginalized peoples. Basically, it's a fancy way of saying that one has an identity that is divided into several facets. That's how I've felt this whole year, like two parts of a two different wholes. I feel the two sides of me in juxtaposition with each other and each is pulling me in separate directions. I've all but made the decision about which side I'm going to follow, yet I still have this double consciousness about me when I look into the future. However, one thing that the last few years has taught me is that it is never too late to try something new. So it is with less ambiguity than I could have that I am stepping into 2012 because I know, even if I end up not liking my choices, I can change them.

I hope that made sense but even if it doesn't, eish, who reads this anyhow? I shall leave you with this poem. I've been reading a lot of Tennyson lately.

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

Space

2011-11-12T22:16:00.001-08:00

It happens often, yet I’m always surprised when it does. People question the importance of space exploration and I wonder why. Am I broken or are they? When I look up in the night sky and I see a vast expanse of stars, something inside of me stirs. Here I am, just an insignificant human, yet with my naked eye I can see into the past. I can see the light that has travelled thousands of years just to reach me.

How can I not be in awe of the universe? I am standing on a fragile blue planet that, amazingly, supports life... and not just any life, intelligent life. We not only stand on this planet but we leave it. I am member of a species that has walked on the moon, a species that maintains a continuous presence in space and a species that dreams of going to our neighboring planets. I believe I will see the first human walk on Mars, but not if others don’t too.

Space isn’t something that is owned by one country or another, space is the thing that makes us look up and realize just how minuscule we are compared even just to our own galaxy. Why aren’t we fighting harder to save the programs that are trying to reach out even further into the unknown? SInce when is war more important than scientific knowledge. I’ve never know gun to invoke inspiration the way an image from the Hubble Space Telescope does.

If you do any one thing over the next few weeks, let it be this: use your voices, write your elected officials, tell them how important space exploration is to you. Don’t stop there. Tell your family, your friends, your co-workers, tell random people you’re in line with at the coffee shop. Do anything but keep quiet.

I’ve been in love with space as long as I can remember, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve had some amazing opportunities to see how our own space agency, NASA, works up close. First I got to participate in a #NASATweetup at NASA JPL in California. It was there I realized just how involved NASA is in educational programs. They aren’t just inspiring kids with astronauts floating in zero gravity, they inspire kids by going into schools and letting them get involved in real science.

Then, I got to go to another #NASATweetup at the Kennedy Space Center and watch a rocket blast into space with a scientific mission heading to Jupiter. Not only did I get to experience the awesome power of the Atlas V rocket as the noise it made slammed into my body, I got to see a real space shuttle inside of the same building that the Apollo missions used to assemble their launch vehicles.

My greatest fear is that one day my own children won’t get to see this. In this time of economic restraint and budget cuts I worry that no one will be willing to stand up for space. I think pure science, science that doesn’t serve a political purpose, is in danger and that scares me. What does that say about us when we stop seeking knowledge, when we stop asking questions? What does that say about the human species? Are we willing to become stagnant, so wrapped up in terrestrial concerns, that we forget about the splendor of the universe that surrounds us on a daily basis? As Carl Sagan said, we are made of star stuff, don’t you think it might be a good idea to find out more about those stars?

I do.

(image credit apod.nasa.gov)

For those who have not witnessed my squee:

2011-05-09T01:34:00.001-07:00

I AM GOING TO THE NASA JPL TWEETUP!

Yeah, buddy! Who be the excited? I be the excited! As many of you know, I have a small obsession with space and I'm sure many of you have witnessed my NASA funding soapbox moments... Anywho, I get to go to JPL for a NASAtweetup and I couldn't be more thrilled.

So, to forestall the questions I am sure are about to follow here is a list of questions (most answers stolen verbatim from www.nasa.gov):

1. What is a tweetup?
A Tweetup is an informal meeting of people who use the social messaging medium Twitter.

2. What is JPL?
JPL is NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA. It is the place where deep space awesome occurs. JPL manages NASA's Deep Space Network and a bunch of missions such as the rovers that are on Mars, the Cassini missions on Titan and Voyager (neat fact: Voyager 1 is the most distant human-made object in space!).

3. Why should I care?
You should care because what NASA does is important and cool. Like that cell phone, need an MRI? Yeah, thank NASA for that technology. However, rather than turn this into a mini soapbox rant, I'll give you a quote from my favs author, Diane Duane:

“The attitude spread too … for minds that perceive themselves as part of one tiny speck in the immensities tend to cherish the speck too much to blow it up.”

4. What will YOU do?
Probably bounce up and down with poorly contained excitement all day... I get to see Mars Curiosity, what what! I get to ask questions about stuff I am interested in!

Alright then, I'm taking my excited self to bed... or I was until I got lost in JPL photojournal universe images, so I'll add one here - image credit to http://photojournal.jpl.nasa.gov and the Hubble Space Telescope.

I can do it on my own.

2011-03-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

I'm fiercely independent. It's probably my biggest downfall. I can look back at so many times in my life where it would have been better for me to seek support and I just refused. I'm especially stubborn when it comes to my relationship with God. I need Him so much but, man, sometimes, I just hate that I need Him. It all goes back to pride, I think. The whole I think I know better than God thing that got us into the broken world in the first place.

I'm doing better now, these past few years of my life. I know that I am not an island, and I am certainly not independent from/of my Creator. I've learned that He doesn't measure me by human standards and I've learned that He is someone who is deserving of trust. With Him, it's okay to be dependent and boy, am I ever. Even in my most stubborn moments, as the bluntly honest person that I am, I must admit I am completely, utterly and wholly dependent on God.

It's not all bad though, my independent streak that is. It's taken me places that I could have never gone if not for it. I've discovered that I can do things that seem impossible. It helped me learn the value of pursuing dreams and of having the courage to take the first steps into an unknown future.

It's also kept me guarded, for me, and I suspect for a lot of people, crazy independent streaks develop when you get let down too much... when you learn that relying on others is not as safe as relying on yourself - or when you're just not able to trust. For the longest time, I wondered if that would ever be fixed.

My faith in people is being restored. Sometimes, something needs to be completely wrecked before it can be made whole again. Over the last five years or so, I've learned what it means to be involved in real relationships with people. I've learned that sometimes, real independence is actually having the courage to admit that you are dependent. Independence is often defined as being free from outside control - and if you aren't willing to admit that you are dependent then you are never free from control because you are always trying to prove to someone that you can do it all alone. You're nothing more than a puppet being played by outside forces.

So, I guess my point is that I'm still learning - I'm still fiercely independent, but my definition of independence is changing. Only one opinion really matters and I will strive to listen to that One and be independent of all others. I'm learning to be more vulnerable with people who are worthy of trusting - worthy of my trust. I hope to always be learning...

...and when my independent streak leads me to strike out on my next big adventure, I know God will be right there with me.

Fairness is not equal to Justice

2011-02-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get this feeling, kind of like a rock settling down on my soul - that inexplicable feeling that something is not right. And you know what? That feeling is true - something is not right. All you have to do is look around to find proof. Children die of curable diseases, mothers weep over infections they were given by unfaithful husbands and that they give to their innocent child, fathers are so desperate they kill their families just to make the pain go away, millions of junkies turn to drugs and millions more turn to millions of other things just for a distraction, just for something, anything to numb the pain, something to help them to ignore all that is not right - all that is wrong in the world.

So many people look at the wrongs of the world and hold them up, like a burning torch, to prove that God does not love us, that if He were real then the world would be fair. Here is a hard truth: God is not fair, but God is just. So, when I feel the inexplicable weight on my heart, I remember that my God is a just God, that all will face Him and give an account. This world is not fair, but this world is passing away.

Arise

2010-09-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away..."

Come away, he says, come away. Come away from the world and come to me. I desire you, I love you... I am pursuing you. You, my love, my beautiful, have been told so many lies so many times by so many people that you have begun to base your life around these lies. Your eyes have been turned away from mine for so long that you no longer recognize me, no longer see how I am chasing you. Arise. Arise, come away from that life and come to me, listen to my words, listen to my truth. You are beautiful, I never created you to be anything but. You are worthy, you are worthy of my life. I will pursue you to the ends of the earth, to the farthest reaches of the universe. You outshine the glory of the heavens because I made you to reflect to the world how I love you. And I do, I love you. I love you selflessly, sacrificially. I desire your love in return. I grieve for the wounds that litter the battleground of your heart and I will heal them. You can trust me for my word is good - it does not return void. Arise, come into the place I have prepared for you, my beautiful one. Arise, my love and come away.

(Carina Nebula, Hubble Space Telescope, www.nasa.gov)

To be like a duck...

2010-06-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

...and let it roll off my feathers.

I like to think of myself as a nice person, I can be harsh, which is not the best thing, but I am just so weary of lies that I can't stand them, even the little white ones. If I lie about my opinion I tend to be very honest - to the point of being blunt. Sometimes, I just wish people wouldn't ask my opinion, then I'd be free to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes, I open it anyway, which doesn't always get the best results. I think this is one of my biggest failings, my big mouth. I often speak what is on my mind, for better or worse. I don't know - I'm just so contradicted about it. I'm quite aware of areas in which I need improvement, and I'll often tell you what they are. I'm perfectly willing to take my share of the blame for situations and apologize, even if I don't feel it's my fault. I might not be happy about it, but I'll do it because it's what I feel is right. It's right to accept my part of the blame, and it's right to apologize - I feel I could have always probably handled the situation better even if I felt it went well. I guess I get hung up on things being right, I figure I'm a pretty stubborn person and I'm willing to compromise so everyone else should too.

I guess I'm just feeling a little tender right now. I am praying for the wisdom to find the balance. I'm wary of changing my personality, I'm a straight talker, I speak my mind, I just want to do it with discernment... the power of life and death is in the tongue and I need to be more cognizant of that.

Still need help!!!!

2010-06-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Email me for the password!

Click Me

The Suicide Tourist

2010-06-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

I just watched a documentary about suicide tourism, where a man who was terminally ill chose to travel to Switzerland and end his own life legally. It was heartbreaking in so many ways but most of all because this man died not knowing the love of God. Our bodies break down and our minds break down and we suffer, some much more than others and it's all because we decided we knew better than God how to live - we live in a broken world, we broke God's heart with sin, and we all live with manifestations of that disobedience in our lives.

This man, Craig, felt the only way he could exercise control over his life was to end it. Isn't that the story of so much of our pain? We try and exercise control and the harder it seems to be to control our lives. We have done our best to take the place God should occupy in our lives and we refuse to give it back to him. You often hear the phrase "the lost art of living," I would argue that the art we have actually lost is the art of surrender. We don't gain freedom over our lives through control; we gain freedom through surrender - complete obedience - to the Lord. It seems so simple, yet it isn't. I spend too much energy on controlling and being defiant in the face of the Lord, but how like the Lord to take the journey of a man who confesses no belief in Him to draw me back to that place where I wish to relinquish control. God's ways are not my ways.

Craig did not have the strength to bear his disease, not on his own, so he chose not to. My heart aches for him, I am reminded of the parable of the rich man, crying out for the salvation of his brothers after he has died without it. I can't imagine the agony of knowing there is chasm permanently fixed between you and all that is good, knowing that perhaps your own unbelief has lead those you love astray. I find myself wondering if anyone ever told Craig that he could bear all things through Christ. I find myself taking some time to meditate on what it would be like to bear the tragedies of life without that strength.

We sing songs in church, asking for the Lord to open our eyes to see the things that make His heart cry but how often do we actually allow this - allow our eyes to be opened and our hearts to be broken? Again, it's that control issue, we - I - don't want to be that vulnerable, I want to protect myself from those hurtful things, I want to be in control. Ah, but God doesn't ask us to be in control, does He? He asks us to surrender. He calls us to surrender with beautiful promises of rest for the heavy laden and peace that surpasses all understanding. So that's what I'm trying to do - surrender to Him, not only the tangible things, but also the intangible ones, like allowing Him to break my heart for Craig and others like Him... and I'm asking Him for the strength to bear this heaviness of a broken heart for the world.

Support Letter for 2010

2010-04-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Email me for the password!

Support Letter 2010

Learning to let go...

2010-03-19T03:11:00.000-07:00

One important lesson that I've learned is that sometimes you just have to let go. There have been times when I have clung so hard to something, that I've missed out on something better and then there are those times that clinging just broke my heart. I have clung to so many things over my lifetime - dreams, jobs, friends, ideas, etc. - that sometimes I even forget why I do it. It's all so exhausting. So why do I find myself doing it - not just once, but over and over - it's just insane.

One thing that I'm grateful that the past year in my life has taught me, is not to cling so tightly. I've learned that if you cling, it's harder to trust. There's only one thing I need to hold onto - God - and He's got me covered, He's holding onto me tighter than I could ever hold on to Him. I trust Him, I trust him enough to let go of the things other people tell me that I should be clinging onto. It's still a a learning process though, I can't wait to see where He's gonna take me with it.

It's not easy and I have the scars to prove it. I'm learning to let go. I am letting go.

lolz

2010-03-02T14:09:00.001-08:00

moar funny pictures

Rock Dassie in South Africa on Table Top Mountain... Fun times!

Andrew & Zachary

2010-01-25T01:49:00.000-08:00

I just saw the most heartbreaking documentary on Netflix, it's called Dear Zachary (www.dearzachary.com)... it really made me think about personal responsibility... how even one decision made at work can have profound effects on lives all over.

We have so many campaigns for so many things - good causes all - what about a campaign for personal responsibility? Just imagine, people taking time to think about how their decisions would actually impact other people. Or even better, thinking about how they can step up and take responsibility for things other people let slide, admitting that even though the mistake isn't your fault, that you still have some responsibility to help mend the broken things... Doing your part to make the world a better place and all that jazz.

I think we have a pretty great example for how this really works out in real life - God took personal responsibility for us, His creation, and when WE screwed it up, He made a way for us to take personal responsibility for that screw up so that we could come back to a place where He could take personal responsibility for us again.

Beautiful.

Now, I'll be the first to admit, I don't always stop to think about how my decisions effect other people, but I do try... and I can tell you, after this thought, I'll be trying even harder, however that plays out. I can tell you one thing for sure, after seeing this film, I'll be spending more time on my knees praying for elected officials and praying for those in the Criminal Justice systems.

(photo from www.dearzachary.com, it's a poster that can be brought to support their memorial scholarship)

God

2010-01-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

"I cannot believe, that as an educated person, you would honestly think that."

That's pretty close to the exact wording that I was told tonight by an old friend while discussing my faith and that I believed that Christ was the only way to God. It angers me that there is a pervasive belief amongst many people today that educated people should somehow be 'beyond' God... the perception that Christians are the uneducated, deluded masses. It's also heartbreaking that we, as Christians, have in our own way perpetuated this view.

So yes, here I am, standing as an 'educated' person, declaring with everything that I am, I believe Jesus Christ is the only way to God, the only hope that we have, and that without Him, life after death will mean an eternal separation from all that is good and holy - eternal, unchangeable separation from the one true God.

I serve a God who hung out with the dregs of society, had no home to claim, no money and died an excruciating death. I serve a God who created the mountains and the seas, who was there when time began, who can number the stars in the sky and the hairs on my head. I serve a God that who is the Creator and not created. I serve a God who loves me with an everlasting love. Most importantly, I serve a God who was resurrected to save me from death.

If you don't know this God - I encourage you to seek Him. I could lose every earthly thing, but as long as I have this God - my cup will ever overflow.

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

2009-11-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

Ga ke itse. I don't know. This phrase is my mantra at the moment. I'm annoyed at my turbulent surface. Deep down, it's all calm, it always is - my innermost heart has learned to grasp onto the peace that surpasses all understanding - but right now, every other part of me feels like a ship caught in stormy waters, being tossed to and fro...

Why?

This question haunts me. Right now, I feel as if everyone I know is passing me by, and I'm here, just standing still. Why?

Lately, I've felt an overwhelming urge to pray for someone. Why?

I have this feeling God wants me to move somewhere, this would mean a major upheaval in my life and an unknown future for my college career. Why?

And yet, I feel so far away from God right now. Why?

Ga ke itse. I just want to go away and go somewhere I can wrestle with God. I want to scream and yell, but I want His comfort and His words. What is my purpose? I want to give it all up for Him... but what comes from my own depraved heart and what comes from His?

I think I need to spend some time focusing on how I view God. I need to see His sovereignty in my life.

my nose

2009-09-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

It smells so good outside right now, the slightly wet, but fresh smell of a dark and balmy night. I know I should be asleep... I'm sick, my voice will definitely be gone tomorrow and I'll be exhausted, but it's just so peaceful right now. I am exactly where I should be. I am so blessed. God loves me and I really love him. I feel like I'm sitting in a field full of beautiful flowers, watching clouds pass by all afternoon with the promise of music and laughter and love to fill my life for years to come. The sun doesn't burn and the breeze is just right, and right now I'm content, just waiting, just enjoying the gift of time. I am happy - so happy.

Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

I love this Psalm, and right now, I am so firmly rooted next to that stream of water and I am basking in the joy that can only come from the Lord - from the eternity He placed in my heart. God, I love you, so much. Ke a leboga.

break me so I can be Yours

2009-09-12T02:52:00.000-07:00

BREAK US // when i sit in the stillness of the darkest night and i listen to the thoughts of my heart this heart that is broken and the wounds that reopen oh break it by the power of your grace * break us by the power of your grace oh Lord won’t you break us by the power of your grace break us remake us don’t let the sorrow take us break us by the power of your grace * when i stand in the glory of a holy God and I flee and i cover my face this heart hard with shame yet you still call my name oh break me by the power of your grace * break us by the power of your grace oh Lord won’t you break us by the power of your grace break us remake us don’t let the sorrow take us break us by the power of your grace * when i leave this world and i’m homeward bound to a heaven and earth that’s remade this world full of sorrow will be glory tomorrow he’ll remake it by the power of his grace * break us by the power of your grace oh Lord won’t you break us by the power of your grace break us remake us don’t let the sorrow take us break us by the power of your grace // KELLEY MCRAE

I know intimately what Paul meant when he said he was the worst of sinners. Don’t worry Paul, you’re not alone... I too, am the worst of sinners. I sometimes look at my life and I see all the missed opportunities… all the times I ignored the voice of the Lord or tarnished His name. Worst of all, I look inside of my own heart and I see the sins I hide there – where no one can see them. Ah, and how clever I think I am, hiding these from the world, hiding them from the Lord. Honestly, I’m such a fool. I can’t hide anything from Him. He knows the heart of man, He knows my heart. Yet, He forgives me and lavishes me with a love I don’t deserve and could never repay. So, after long hours of searching my soul, I surrender to Him yet again. I confess all the hidden things to Him and pray for strength. Realistically, I know I’ll fall again, but each time brings me a little closer. Each time He breaks my heart and remakes it, a little closer to His image of me. I try and remind myself that each day – God sees me, not as man sees me, but as only He can – through the blood of His son, who paid the price I never could.

I have to stop looking to the world to fill the empty places; the world can never do that. God put eternity in my heart and that part of me longs for fulfillment that only God can give. Every day I have to remind myself to surrender completely and wholly to Him. If I don’t, I’ll never feel complete, I’ll never fulfill the plans He has for me… And I know they are good plans and I want to be strong enough to be the woman God is calling me to be. The older (and hopefully wiser) I become, the more I recognize the deep longing every woman has inside for the love of our Father… Looking for that love in places other than God has caused me (and so many others) so much pain. How I long to put my trust solely in Him and to rest my head in His lap and to let Him take my burden of worries… but it’s so hard. I’m trying though – I know that I am more than just a sum of my circumstances and actions, but some days, it’s hard to believe that.

It’s also so frustrating because honestly – I know this – but getting my head and heart to agree is another thing. And, actually, I’m really happy and content. I’ve been incredibly blessed. I know God and I know His voice. It’s just every so often, it rains. I was reading several devotionals this morning and even though I was just picking them online at random, every single one of them was about storms. Right now, I’m just looking at some drizzle, but I can’t help but wonder – is there a storm brewing? If there is, I’m okay with that. I know that through the storms, I’ll seek shelter in the refuge of His wings and maybe I’ll come out stronger in the end. I know God is sovereign and everything, even the storms, works for the good of those called according to His purpose.

Today, I’m going to choose to trust Him – with all my heart and with joy. Even if I’m right back to this same place tomorrow, I’ll just make the same decision again. I believe in Him and I believe in His word. He will never leave me, never forsake me and He loves me. I will love Him back, even when it hurts and even when He’s teaching me a hard lesson. I will accept my failures. I will look toward the Lord to set my standards. I will laugh and smile and be full of joy. I believe that this life and this season of my life is a precious gift and He is there, showing me the way to go. I will believe that my Father is proud of me, that I am worthy of His pride.

Not a sermon, just a thought...

2009-09-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

Albert Einstein

Sometimes, I hate to read the news. It can be so depressing. Some people get happy, thinking, ah! The end is near, blah blah blah. I don't. The end coming near, while great for some, is a definite bad ending for so many.

That's all I'm saying.

Uganda believe it!

2009-06-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

Hey, so I'm here in Uganda and I love it. It's hard to put it all into words. My team is absolutely excellent and amazing ministry is happening. We went to Bethany Village today which is a child developement centre (orphanage) on an island in Lake Victoria. The boat ride over was fun and the kids were so loving.

The church we are partnering with, Makerere Community Church is full of people sold out to loving the Lord. Prayer is so central to everything here.

I can't wait until I have more time to tell you more stories.

Much love!

Short Update before I head out of country.

2009-06-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

Well, the project going to Uganda - it's absolutely amazing. I cannot wait to be there and to get to serve with this team. We have the best group of teens and young adults I could ask for, and I'm loving being a part of this leadership team.

God's laying a lot of things on our hearts, but one thread connecting it all is love. We are wanting to be examples of God's love... I'm running on very little sleep now and I'm very exhausted so I don't have much more to say now, but a few prayer requests:

- safe travel for all (we have flights over the next three days)
- luggage stays with us
- against any sickness
- against the devil trying to worm his way in and distract our teams
- cohesiveness and unity
- outpouring of God's love
- pray for our Global Partners and for the nationals as well as our teams

I love you all and look up 1 John 4:10-11 for my co-leader and my heartbeat for the team.

Squee!!!!

2009-06-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

Praise the Lord for He is GOOD and FAITHFUL!!!!!

"Congratulations! On behalf of the U.S. Department of State, Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs and the Institute of International Education (IIE), I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected as a recipient of the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship..."

You can follow my student exchange adventure here. It's a blog I am keeping as a requirement of my Follow On Project for the Gilman.

I'm riding a high now, but, I am blogged out for the day.

One week to go!

2009-06-03T20:18:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that I am only one week away from picking back up my crazy, hectic but blessed(!!!) life! I leave for Garden Valley (GV) for training at Teen Mania's (TM) campus for my first trip (of two this summer) to Uganda with Global Expeditions (GE). I include all the acronyms because it's much easier to refer to them that way after three years of it. After Uganda, I'm headed to Alaska and then off to my student exchange in Botswana. All in all, I will be gone for seven months.

I cannot express appropriately how incredibly humbled and blessed I feel to be going on these trips. God has truly been faithful to me.

Uganda and Alaska will be my third and fourth trips as a Team Leader (TL) with GE. It is such a privilege (and a huge responsibility) to serve as a TL for these amazing teenaged missionaries. I ask that you keep them all in prayer.

I also just wanted to post a few of my own prayer requests:
- I am still $600 short of funding on my trip (if you wanna help, instructions at the end)
- I'm traveling to VA this weekend to drop of my dog and my car, safe travels
- Prayer for the Leadership team for Uganda A
- I find out on Friday about the Gilman Scholarship, I was a very good applicant, but it's a very competitive scholarship, it would be a huge help in financing my student exchange (the plane ticket along cost me $2,400)
- I'm trying to wrap up the 401k rollovers, COBRA and everything from quitting GEICO, it can be stressful but it can be done!
- My friends are hosting mission teams at their church plant in Pittsburgh, www.eastendecclesia.org and I'm sure they'd appreciate your prayers
- I still have to pack and ya'll know how I can procrastinate!

Thank you so much for praying for me. If you want to help me financially (even a few dollars is great) go to http://cf.globalexpeditions.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=about.donate and use my ID# 2444942 to donate online. It's tax deductible and it all goes to my trips :) You can also give me a check made out to Teen Mania Ministries, just make sure my name and ID# aren't on it.

Love ya'll!

Invisible Children

2009-05-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

So, I had a chance to speak to a classroom today about Uganda and Invisible Children and share with them some practical ways they can help... Thanks to Dave Le Peau (http://lepeau.blogspot.com/) for having me in.

So here are the links:

IC
Lobby Days - write your senator!
TRI - 3 bucks a week to bring about peace!
Schools for School - Step up and get your school to support a school in Northern Uganda!
Other ways to GET INVOLVED

THE RESCUE ANTHEM

THERE ARE THOSE WHO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED
THOSE WHO CAST THEIR VOTE FOR HOPE
THOSE WHO BELIEVE THAT GOOD WILL TRIUMPH OVER EVIL

WE ARE THOSE PEOPLE
WE ARE THE MASSES, MISFITS, MOGULS, MEDIA, MILLENNIALS
DOING WHAT WE CAN NOW, WITH WHAT WE HAVE- OUR VOICE
OUR IMPACT IS ONLY LIMITED BY OUR WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE

WE ARE ABDUCTING OURSELVES
TO POSE THE QUESTION TO OUR LEADERS:
IS THEIR LIFE AS VALUABLE AS MINE?

WE ARE SHAPING HUMAN HISTORY
BY CLOSING THE DIVIDE BETWEEN
RESOURCES AND RESPONSIBILITY
DISTANCE AND DISINTEREST
AWARENESS AND ACTION

THIS IS ABOUT REDEFINING OUR ROLE IN THE WORLD
PUTTING PURPOSE BEFORE PROFIT

ITʼS ABOUT ENDING THE LONGEST RUNNING WAR IN AFRICA
SETTING A PRECEDENT FOR JUSTICE
AND FINISHING WHAT WAS STARTED

WE ARE HERE TO AMPLIFY THE CHORUS OF THEIR CRIES
AND RESCUE JOSEPH KONYʼS CHILD SOLDIERS

Last Night

2009-05-17T01:40:00.000-07:00

So, my challenge is going to be keeping this blog updated. I always have a lot to say, but I am also a procrastinator.

This was my last night at Revolution until I come back to January in Tucson. It was an amazing last night, the service really rocked and Josh, Katie and the church sent me out in prayer. I'm really looking forward to seeing where Revolution is when I return. Be sure to check it out at www.tucsonrevolution.com!

I also got a chance to share my Net (for those unfamiliar with Global Expeditions speak - the Net is basically a gospel presentation/testimony) with one of my Project Director's, Candace. It went very well and I'm amazed at what God can do. I think back to my first Net and am amazed at how far God has brought me in my ability to share His love - it's all His doing, for sure!

Also, I've been in preparation for the summer by talking to my two amazing co-leaders, Adrian for Uganda and Bill for Alaska. It's very exciting to get to cast vision for our teams together.

Great news, I talked to Brenda and she is going to be taking care of finding A'Tuin a place for sure, this is a huge burden lifted off my shoulders, knowing my pup will be well cared for.

Now, I've only got $716 left to raise, $212 in tuition to the UA, and new tires for my car, and I'm just about as set as I can be! If you want to help support me financially (I know I already got ya;ll prayers!), drop me a line!

So, that's it for the night, much love and God bless!

P.S. Josh, I updated!

Anger

2009-03-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

"Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."
Ephesians 4:26-27

Oh, how angry I was this evening. I got in a fight with my mother, which is something I rarely do, and I felt horrible about it. Anger is a hard emotion and it can twist you up in imaginative ways. It can also be a good, cathartic emotion. Tonight, it was a mixed bag. I have been so bottled up lately, I think I needed to get some of it out. I chose my mama as a safe place to let it go. Unfortunately, it wasn't very fair to her. Admittedly, we both share in the reasons and causes but its neither here nor there. The point of this, is after a good long cry, I spent a good long time with the Lord... and you know what. I'm not angry anymore. I did not let the sun go down. It was a moment that I am sure the devil wanted to steal away and use for his own nefarious purposes but instead I stole the moment back from him and I read 1 John. Anyone who knows me well, knows how I adore this short epistle. John's love letter to the beloved children of God. Ah, how it calmed me and spoke to me, gently rebuking the anger in my chest, reminding me of why God came and why I am here. Reminding me of the opportunity that I have been given and the ones that face me in the near future.

I got angry because I was stressed, I was stressed because I was worried, I was worried because I neglected to listen to God.

It is so important to me that I guard my time with the Lord, and I have not done that as well in the last month. I need to make it a priority every day, so that I am not back in a place where I have made myself vulnerable to unhealthy anger. I need to be back in a place where I'm not talking so much to God, but really taking time to listen.

Yay Yay Yay

2009-03-06T22:08:00.001-08:00

Wow. So much to tell. Have I mentioned lately how awesome God is? Well, He is. So, as many of you know, my heart is in Africa and boy do I have news.

1. I will actually only be spending a month in Uganda, which, under normal circumstances would make me sad, but, read on and see why this is no problem.
2. I get to spend two weeks in Alaska :) Sweet!
3. I am spending the Fall semester of this year at the University of Botswana! That's right, four months in my favorite place ever!

I can just remember thinking, just a few months ago, how it just seemed like it was going to be years until I was able to spend any significant amount of time in Africa, but instead of lamenting this, I decided to trust God, and boy, He is faithful! This is an amazing opportunity and I am so happy to be able to take advantage of it and study in Africa and to be a part of the local community there.

I am working on an email to send out to everyone with some specific prayer requests. Right now, I'm just so joyful and thankful to God. He just amazes me with His faithfulness, you know?

"God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord."
1 Corinthians 1:9 ESV

every war has an end

2009-02-26T22:15:00.000-08:00

Not a day goes by that Uganda isn't on my heart... Not just because I'm going there, but for the last few years. My heart absolutely breaks for every person that has been affected by the devastating conflict that has stolen over two decades from the youth of northern Uganda.

God tells us to bind up the brokenhearted. I tell you now, there are few that are as brokenhearted as these people. The conflict was highlighted thanks to three guys from CA with a heartbreaking movie about a child soldier named Jacob.

In 2006, tens of thousands participated in the Global Night Commute.

The war raged on.

In 2007, again, tens of thousands participated in Displace Me.

Peace was in sight, but it was not to be.

2008 Christmas massacres - hundreds killed, hundreds abducted.

Now, this April, comes The RESCUE of Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers... I have no idea what it's going to look like yet, but everyone will find out on March 25th. So far, tens of thousands have been enough to get some recognition, will hundreds of thousands be enough to see an end?

I'm praying, and I hope that you all will join me, that an unbelievable amount of people will get involved in this - that by the time I am in Uganda this summer, that the end of the war will finally be in sight - that the children will be rescued and that Joseph Kony will be removed from power.

Want more info: www.invisiblechildren.com

The Rescue

2009-02-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

some spiritual thoughts

2009-02-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

Tonight, in the service at Revolution, David talked about spiritual maturity. He said that the mark of a mature Christian isn't how perfect they are, but how quick they are to admit to God when they've stumbled. How true.

"I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

Paul's words are recorded in 1 Timothy 1:12-17. How often I identify with his thoughts, that I must be foremost among sinners. I look back along my walk with God and I see His work in my life. I see times when I've clung to sin like a warm blanket, when in reality it was rotting my soul. I used to have a hard time admitting to myself my own sins. Now, every time I sin, it seems like God holds up a huge magnifying glass. The smallest thing, a harsh word spoken unconsciously, will gnaw at me until I speak to God about it. I'm still not too great at admitting my sins to others, or even asking forgiveness when I need to, or even at forgiving others. Sometimes, I just wish I could hide away my anger. In Matthew, Christ talks about removing the speck in your own eye before the beam in your brother's... I believe Christ also calls us to illuminate that speck at times. Confrontation is a hard thing, especially with people you love, especially when you might not be in the wrong, but God is always calling you to be the bigger person, calling you to illuminate your speck. Yes, it's hard. I fight with God all the time about this. I am very guilty of not taking my own advice... but I'm trying. Just not successfully... yet.

-

I have my iTunes on shuffle right now and 'Mighty to Save' just came on. How my heart aches for Africa right now. I wish I could leave everything right now and go. Waiting is so hard. Uganda is just a few months away, but it doesn't seem close enough. I can't wait. I know God is going to be SO present. Already I'm getting to know some people who will be going on the trip through the interwebbines of facebook and WOW.

Right now, it's the stuff here that stresses me out, which is stupid, because I know God is big enough for all my worries, but I just can't seem to stop the questioning. I have no idea how it's all going to come together, where will A'Tuin stay, where I am going to live when I get back, where am I going to work... Small questions really, when you put them in light of what God's plans are, but I am just stuck.

I'm also torn as well, stay in AZ or move to NC? Where am I really supposed to be?

For tonight, I'm giving it up to God. Tomorrow, I'm going to try and do the same thing... and the next day and the next...

so far

2009-01-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

I'm very tired, but I can't sleep.

The last month or so has been very... ambiguous. Mostly good, but a few bumps.

The best thing - already, I can tell a difference in my relationship with God with my commitment to know Him more intimately this year. I finding myself more listening and letting Him direct me. I am finding it easier to admit my shortcomings to myself and others, and then to allow God to show me how to be a better person.

I'm less than six months away from going to Uganda. I just can't wait.

I'm a little more than twelve hours away form getting my butt kicked in capoeira class, but, I can't wait for that either.

School is going good so far, but I'm going to have to work hard!

Now - off to spend that time with God I've been craving.

2009

2009-01-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

I do a lot of contemplating these days... a lot of questioning. I know where my destination is, but I'm not sure which road to take. I sometimes find it difficult to discern which path is right. What my next step should be. Where I should go. Some things, I do know. This year, I want my faith to be challenged, I want an intimate relationship with God - something deeper than I've ever felt before. Something secret between my heart and His.

I feel adrift sometimes, and I don't know how to feel about that. It's not bad, it's not good, it just is.

Isn't it funny, the closer you get to God, the further away you feel? Maybe it's the realization of just how far from perfect you are and how amazing it is that God doesn't see that - that he only sees us through the redemption of Jesus. That because of what Christ did, we are a new creation and we are blameless and holy in His sight. I think I have an idea of what Paul meant when he said he was the greatest sinner.

Sometimes, I get really lonely, seems as if I've been single for a very long time... But, it's cool. I know, that one day, I will find my husband - the one that God has picked out for me. It won't be today, and that's okay. Honestly, God and I need some more time together, alone, before we add a husband into that mix. I don't ever want to look back and regret not taking advantage of the opportunities that being single have given me. Not only the travel I've done, but the opportunity to know God more, to learn to listen to Him and Him alone. As hard as this is to say, because it's a hard goal and it could take a long time, I need to fall completely in love with God and learn to be completely reliant on Him, before I am ready to fall in love.

I want the season of my life to be a treasure, something I can pass along to my children, the joy of having a love affair with my Lord. I want to look back at this time in my life and know that it was a fruitful time and that it lasted just the right amount of time.

This coming year, I want to be challenged, I want to be held accountable, I want to cry, to laugh and to take leaps of faith, trust in the Lord and to live the abundant life that Christ promised... I want each year to continue to grow me closer to the Lord. I look back at where I was, seven years ago, and where I am now. The Lord has carried me SO far... Now, I'm ready to stand and run and chase after Him.

This is such a convoluted blog, but I can be a pretty convoluted thinker, so take me as I am.

God speaks:

2008-11-20T22:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I was praying about Uganda, flipping through Psalms and this is what God said:

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;
they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

Make me to know your ways, O Lord;
teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.

Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love remember me,
for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!

Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.
All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.

For your name's sake, O Lord,
pardon my guilt, for it is great.
Who is the man who fears the Lord?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.
His soul shall abide in well-being,
and his offspring shall inherit the land.
The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him,
and he makes known to them his covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.

Consider how many are my foes,
and with what violent hatred they hate me.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
for I wait for you.

Redeem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles.

(Psalm 25)

I can't wait to share this, God is so powerful!

"He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

2008-10-10T00:45:00.000-07:00

If you read the post I made, just a short time ago, wow. So I started praying, I was broken before God, literally, questioning my own salvation - not that God was there - but if I was good enough for God. I cried out to Him, poured out all my insecurities, pretty much just bawled. So when my tears dried, I told God I was going to go spend some time in the word, and that I really wanted him to speak to me. I randomly opened my Bible and it fell open to the concordance and I turned to the chapter of a verse referenced. It was John 10.

What that made me feel is indescribable. It's a parable (the sheepfold) I often use to describe how I came back to my faith. The passage was so completely relevant to the cries of my heart, the desire to hear His voice and be directed, my desire to follow Him... All this I had just finished spilling out to God.

I told God I was tired of being uncertain, that I no longer wanted to ride in the backseat of my life, feeling like an observer. I told Him I wanted Him to SHOW UP. I wanted clarity. Most of all, I told him I want to be where He wants me. I begged God for anything, for something.

This is what God TOLD me:

"The sheep hear His voice and He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all His own, He goes before them, and the sheep follow Him, for they know His voice."
John 10:3-4

This struck me so hard and so true. Jesus is calling me by name... I also prayed for my future husband (several years I've been doing that now). The part where Christ says that 'when He has brought out ALL His own' really hit me. Patience is really hard for me, and so is not knowing. I wish God could reveal His plan to me much more clearly (and preferably by email, lol) but here, here God said to me, wait, wait, wait. Kat I have for you plans, but YOU must WAIT until I have brought out ALL my own. Then, you will hear my voice and you will follow me. Dear child, you will hear.

What's even better? He didn't stop there, I continued reading, in fact, I almost stopped, but then I felt the Spirit urging me to read just a little more:

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.”
John 10:27-30

How quickly and decisively God answered the questioning of my own personal salvation, the cruel lies of the enemy trying to penetrate my heart, how definitively He assured me.

It's inspiring and a little scary, isn't it? In less than an hour I traversed a deep valley, a place full of despair, and then flew up on the wings of eagles, to the highest peak, to a place where God showed me His sovereignty and control. How that even though, I, as a youth, grew weary, He was here to lift me.

God's Word is perfect. It makes me grateful for my own imperfections - without them, I could not understand and appreciate the beauty, the majesty, glory and rightness of God and his perfection. Wow.

"The Lord is my chosen portion, and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
Psalm 16:5-6

The Secret Life of a Dweller

2008-10-10T00:04:00.000-07:00

Right now, I want nothing more than to be fast asleep in my bed. Instead, I am sitting in bed, wishing I was asleep. Right now, I am dwelling - such a bad habit. I don't know what this next year is going to bring, I do know what the desires are that I have. I am going to Uganda! Woohoo. Then, I'd really like to go to Tanzania for the fall semester and do so volunteer work with HIV/AIDS education. I would love to see what non-Christian mission work can be like.

I don't know what to do about where to live. I don't want to incur an exorbitant amount of student loans, but I do know I will be leaving my job come June. I want to stay here in AZ, but I know it would be easier for me to go home to NC.

I need someway to care for my dog for five months coming up (two in Uganda, then 3 in Tanzania a couple months after I get home from Uganda). This part would be a lot easier if I was in NC.

My car recently decided (as in yesterday) it was going to stop working. I am currently in a rental.

I had a really bad week at work. I felt like quitting. Literally on the verge of handing in my resignation.

I just wish I could talk to my mama right now, but it's way too late (early?) to call her right now.

I think I'm going to spend some more time with God. I just wish everything was a little clearer right now.

just now

2008-09-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I feel as if everything right now is just pointless. It's not, I know this - with my head - but right now, my heart feels a bit lost.

I find that I stop and just think a lot more now. What am I doing. What am I working towards, where am I headed.

Preparation is hard. I often find myself wishing to just go... but I know I have years ahead of me to prepare.

I have to just trust in and rely on God. He is taking care of me.

Why I could never blog for a living.

2008-08-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

I suck at updating. I really do. I want to put everything that went on in Romania into words... but I'm not quite ready yet. Soon.

Beth moved in! YAY!

The Last Night in Garden Valley

2008-07-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

So tonight was our last night on campus in GV. We had commissioning, It was excellent. We leave tomorrow for Romania, I'm so excited. I know that our team is going to do awesome things.

I don't have a lot of time (as it's after midnight and lots to do still) but I wanted to at least update you guys. I will definitely have some more time in country I hope to actually write a real blog about what God is doing so far.

Praise Reports!!!!
- all of our MA's got all of their money!!! WOW!
- we got the passport!!!
- no homesickness!!!

Continued Prayer Requests:
- pray for our flight tomorrow!
- please pray against homesickness for our team
- pray for our leadership, that's Chris and me (TLs), Danny (CA) and Bryan and Tanya (PDs)
- pray for the safety of our trip, the logistics, ministry and our nationals!!!

To see pics go to: http://globalexpeditions.com/trips.php?TripId=445

Love you all VERY much, especially you Mama!

GE Training!

2008-07-21T13:38:00.001-07:00

So, I have finally arrived! I'm pretty sure there is some previous post on here that talks about my whole trip lead up experience from being bumped off the South Africa trip and then to Jamaica and now to Romania, and if you scroll down I am sure that you can get the whole awesome God moment I had in deciding to come to Romania.

So, I'm here in Garden Valley, TX, where it's VERY humid (y'all know how I LOVE that, lol), sitting by my awesome co-leader, Chris, on my equally awesome PD's computer so I'm thrilled.

We've been doing MA training with all our MA candidates and they are doing great! I am really impressed with the team this year. Our team name is Called. We are striving for a real family feel - the family of God, so far -it's been incredible. I know that God has some brilliant things in store for us.

A few specific prayer requests:

- we have two MA's who need to raise funds still, one has $800 to go and another has $1500 - if you feel called, please contact GE to donate, you can reach 866-545-6239, tell whoever answers you want to donate to the Romania Juniors MA's accounts.
- we have another MA who is waiting for her passport to arrive, please pray for miraculous provision here.
- please pray against homesickness for our team
- pray for our leadership, that's Chris and me (TLs), Danny (CA) and Bryan and Tanya (PDs)
- pray for the safety of our trip, the logistics, ministry and our nationals!!!

Thank you guys SO SO SO much.

Love y'all!

show me your heart

2008-03-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

Lately, God has really been speaking to me about sacrifice. It has been very hard. I am constantly questioning right now, questioning my desires and my motivations, my attachment to things of the world... I am seeking Him right now, I want to so much for Him to reveal His heart to me. I want to take that step, that step of complete faith, to show my utter and complete trust in Him... but I can't. Something is holding me back, my own doubt, my own fears - Satan's influence? I don't know... Sometimes, it'd be easier if God just kinda sent me a little email, let me know what His plan is for me is - but, eh, not so much.

I think that even as much as I don't like this place I am in right now, I can see the reason for it. I am having to really seek God out, spend time constantly in prayer, read His word and try and discern His will for me.

I have been reading My Utmost for His Highest lately, and it has spoken to my heart in ways I cannot even imagine. I think one of the things that has come from that is an acceptance of the call God has put in my life in a new way, and understanding that He will give me a plan and that I will follow it. I am praying for what I want most, trusting that God will take this desire of mine and because I am seeking His heart, my will does align with His and He will make a way.

I don't know how, I can't even begin to guess... I know that He is asking me some tough questions and He is speaking truth to me in a way that is almost painful, but also beautiful, He is revealing to me who He has created me to be and the secret plans He placed in my heart that are just now becoming known to me. I am so afraid, but His perfect love casts out all fear and I am giving it to Him. I ask Him to be faithful to me. I need to be faithful to Him. I just don't know how.

I've been listening to Hillsong lately, and the song Fire Fall Down especially... so my prayer, God, as I seek Your heart, show me Your way and fire fall down on me, I pray, fill me with Your spirit, give me a perfect and unfailing faith to step out when You call my name and to never look back, but continually forward to You and Your glory...

Sacrifice

2008-03-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

God has been speaking to me lately... not like he ignores me most of the time, but it's been let's work on your faith speaking time... So he is asking me to sacrifice something to Him, it's is something I want to give, but it's very hard...

I want to very badly, it's about trust, what He's asking me... I am just not sure that I am strong enough.

on trust and not boasting

2008-02-28T21:33:00.000-08:00

It's hard for me to trust people and it's not. I know that makes no sense but I don't care. I am an incredibly open person and I am quick to give my trust to someone... lately though, I've gotten away from trusting God - I want nothing more than to be able to go to school full time, have my summers free for GE and to work in some capacity in the ministry... God can do that, I just read a bit out of My Utmost for His Highest and it was incredibly convicting, it asked what you wanted to Lord to do for you... now why aren't you asking Him for it?

I don't know, to be honest, I think in some weird way I want to lean on my own understanding in not His, like I'm unwilling to trust the one person who has never let me down, how stupid is that?

It's crazy how God can give you the most astounding revelations and you just go duh, like why didn't I see that. It's so simple.

I was just talking about not doing things in our own power and what have I been doing? Trying to do this on my own, how silly. I don't have to worry about it, I don't have to stress out about it, because God is going to work it out for me... I just have to be faithful in prayer and to trust Him enough that when He asks me to step out and do something, that I do. I'm going to work towards my goals, but I'm not going to do it alone, I'm going to trust God to multiply my efforts and to open doors and ways for me, so that when all is said and done, all the glory goes to Him.

on Romania

2008-02-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

So more about why I am going to Romania... last month I went up to Phoenix and helped out with a TrueNorth Seminar (TNS) that GE runs to help them interview and provide training for team leaders:

A little background first: I had gotten placed on South Africa Z for this summer, but then GE accidentally placed too many female leaders so I had to switch and I chose Jamaica Z, then at the TNS, I found out from Brian (he's in charge of leadership) that it looked like Jamaica Z was going to be canceled, but he suggested Romania Juniors L... By the time I left TNS, I told Brian I would go to Romania - I had prayed about it the rest of the day and it felt right... On to the testimony...

We take communion every Sunday at church - we do it in our closing worship - so there are always a few songs that are slower for reflection before we take it - anywho - I was praying before I took communion, I felt right about Romania, but some part of me questioned whether or not I was not trusting God to make a way for me to go on a B trip - that maybe I was supposed to be in Africa and that I needed to trust Him - but I also felt right about Romania - hence the prayer. I just couldn't discern whether it was just me wanting to go to Africa or if it was God... I just knew that when Brian first mentioned Romania, it felt right - I had heard that presentation about Europe being so dark a year or so back, and it had just tugged at my heartstrings... So I was praying and had even planned to call GE to talk about it. I just couldn't figure out if the desire to be in Africa this summer was God or if it was myself... So I finished praying and looked up at the screen - I don't even know what song was being sung and I couldn't even tell you now, but the line on the screen was 'rid me of myself' and then God just whispered to my heart - Romania. It was amazing.

The really God part - I gave one of the PDs a ride to the airport on my way out of Phoenix and we ended up having this really awesome discussion, it was very much a divine appointment, one of the things we talked about is how I sometimes struggle to hear God's voice in my life and the PD, Carla, really just spoke to my heart about it and just encouraged me that He wasn't far. However, I don't think I would have recognized God's voice in that moment - if not for the conversation I had with Carla.

It's amazing how God works, how He is just so omniscient and omnipotent that He provides us with such great moments, that He plans them for us... I am in awe of our Lord.

I am a bad updater...

2008-02-25T21:43:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I have a blog. I am completely horrendous at updating. Since the last time I blogged, I am no longer going to Jamaica, but Romania, and let me say - it was totally God - I will write more once I am not exhausted because it's a pretty great story.

So, that's all for now. Maybe I should have given up procrastination for Lent.

on change

2008-01-18T23:34:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to go back to Africa this summer, but after I got placed on the trip - something came up and there weren't enough positions for leaders and I can't go... I felt very cheated - like God had taken away a promise he had given. I don't know... I still feel heartbroken over it, but after a night of prayer, I know that I trust God's plans more than I trust my own. I know he's given me a heart for Africa and he will be faithful to me and lead me there when the timing is His and not mine.

I decided to go to Jamaica - I feel a peace about it, but I don't know. I'm not excited yet. I wanted my two weeks in Africa. I'll get there.

I talked to Melonie at GE tonight and it makes me smile, she really is a great friend.

I'm back in school now, studying to be an anthropologist... I know it's going to be really hard and I'm going to be really challenged in my faith. I trust God to carry me through it - lean not on my own understanding and all that jazz. I just can't help but think that so may scientists spend so much time trying to disprove God and the Christian Faith and there are still many wholes... It's almost as if I have an unfair advantage. I'm a Christian and I'm setting out to prove what I already know to be true.

I miss Africa, my heart is half a world away.

long time going

2008-01-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I updated this. I don't even know if anyone reads it. That's okay though... I write more for myself anyway...

So much has happened in my life. I went to Africa on a two month missions trip. I miss Botswana so much, it's my first and last thought every day. I dream about being back all the time. I learned so much there... I learned about being humble and so much more about who God wants me to be. I learned that even when He places a calling on your heart that He can still want you to wait, to prepare, to learn the value of patience... He knows that even if you want something now... His timing is better. I learned that serving God can be simple when I stop trying to make it so complicated and just serve Him where I am. I am so thankful for what He taught me.

It's hard to be where I am now. I feel that I hear God less now and it brings me to tears. I feel bereft without His voice. I remember that first morning in South Africa, having my quiet time under an old tree, listening to the sounds of nature all around. I felt home for the first time in my life. I felt like God was whispering to my heart. I miss that, I don't know how to regain it.

It's weird - how I feel - some ways very at peace and some ways very unrestfull... I know that God has planned for me a life in Africa, I know He has planned for me a husband with a heart for missions and I know that He is faithful in that promise and plan. He's already confirmed it with placement on another trip to Africa in six months. I know that He is honoring the desire He has put on me.

I feel the silence though... it's been awhile since I really felt His presence and it makes it so hard to continually seek Him and I fail sometimes... I think of Him often but I find it harder and harder to listen for His voice. I feel the pain of my unfaithfulness to Him. The last few days have been really tough, I think He's trying to speak to me again, but the last couple of months have deadened my ears to Him. I'm in tears. I just want Him, I want to get to the place where I can just be still and meditate on His words.

I don't know. I miss Him... I feel like He's calling me but for some reason I just can't hear Him.... I want so bad to just to hear Him. I feel like taking time away from everything and just spending days in prayer... but it's not feasible... So, I'm spending every moment I can with Him...

I'm in the desert and I'm searching for the living water.

missing

2007-11-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I sleep, I dream I am back in Africa. When I wake up and realize that I'm not there, my heart breaks all over again. I have to wonder, how many times can I stand my heart shattering into a million little pieces over a dream? When I go back, I am going to be able to leave?

God has a plan for me, I know this... I also know His plan includes Africa, but just not yet. I get so frustrated sometimes... I just want to be back there, back home.

Home is a funny feeling - my whole life, I've never really felt it. Sure, I've felt loved, even felt a sense of belonging, but nothing had ever felt right enough to be called home - until that first day in South Africa. As I sat under that tree, reading David's song of thanks in 1 Chronicles, I could hear creation praising around me. I'd never really felt that before. I'd seen God's glory all around and I could appreciate that all His creation would praise Him - but I had never really felt that before. It was that moment - at that realization - that I knew I was home.

I believe God creates a certain place for each of us in life. A place that He intends for us to go. We don't always make it and only He knows what won't be accomplished by a certain person because we don't. However, I don't think it's failure if we don't make it - it's just that God exists outside of time and when He looks down at us, He sees us in our entirety - in ways we can't even imagine. So, just because we fall short - and trust me, we all do - doesn't mean it won't be accomplished by someone else. In fact, God has already planned for our failures.

Still, I can't help but feel the weight of what He wants for me. It's an odd feeling, the juxtaposition of free will and predestiny - but it makes a certain kind of sense. I have the choice of where I want to go, ultimately, it's the choice to follow God or not, but there are a lot of smaller choices within that - am I going to put God first, will I ignore a calling but keep my faith, will I tell others, et cetera...

I think about this a lot, especially as my heart yearns to be back in Africa, and I think that means, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. At least, I hope that's what it means, otherwise, I'm just as lost as the next guy.

I question God. Not that He exists - but I do question what His plan is for me. I ask Him a lot of things, I don't always get an answer and that's okay. I'm just pretty impressed by a God that deals with all my questions without a lightning bolt. I mean, He asks a lot of us, really. I know He exist, I know Jesus is the only way to Him. I know people miss that and they spend eternity separate from Him because of it. A lot of that is heart-knowledge though, blind faith, as it were. God asks for more of us than blind faith - he tells us to love him not just with our hearts, but also with our souls and minds.

If I'm going to love God with my mind - I have to ask Him questions and I have to get the answers. I need intelligent faith. I think that once you reach the point where your intellect can back up the faith you have in your heart - that is when you begin to love God with your soul. For what is a soul but the intangible part of your heart and mind? The part that leaves this existence after your organs are put to rest.

I know this has been a very randomly flowing thought - but it makes enough sense to me. Somehow, after writing it - the pain of missing Africa is a little easier.

ugh

2007-03-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap. I hate being sick and this has been a stressful month as it is. In fact, lately, my life has been a study of highs and lows. I never thought I'd long for a little normality - of happenings, at least.

I really just want someone just to listen to what I need to say, but unfortunately, I'm still without that. Somehow, over the last few years, it seemed I've lost my closest confidants. The people I could trust to listen to all that I need to say and always know just what to say back. I'm no longer anyone's best friend, no longer anyone's girlfriend, no longer... I don't know.

I talk to God a lot, more like rail and rant and then cry and apologize and I'll be better for a few days and then I am right back where I was before. I want to reach out and talk to someone, but there are so few I trust to really understand. There are people that I long to reach out to, to talk with, but I'm afraid they're too busy and I'll just be a burden. In fact, I really doubtanyone will actually read this, even though I'll put on my facebook and my myspace.

I want to so badly to trust God, and in my head I do, but sometimes my heart just wants to hide, it's been hurt so badly, both because of things that have been done to me and things that I have done to my heart. Rationally, logically, I know that He's got a plan for me, a plan I can't fathom, but the plan that is right for me. I know that as long as I act according to the purpose for which He has calle dme, that all things will work for good. I know that I am blessed, even through hardship, and that I will come out on the other end of this, stronger and better and with a greater capacity for joy in all those places I'm digging deeper with sorrow right now. I know this, I do... and yet, I'm still so sad, still so alone, so tired of the fight. I don't want to do it anymore. I want to stand up and walk away from it all.

How do I know what desires are born of me and what desires are given me by Him? How do I know I'm not being fooled?

I want out of this place so badly, I'm hunger for this summer to come, I hunger to be doing God's work. I hunger to be able to declare His good name in all I do. I'm tired of having to be PC at work. I'm tired of the person work makes me. It tears me in two, on one hand I really enjoy helping people at work, I am really satisfied by figuring things out there and I occaisionally meet really amazing people through work (WOO HOO Ambassador Koomson!!!). On the other hand, it can get so catty, I am tempted to say mean things and think bad thoughts every moment. The environment breeds hostility. I try so hard to be a light there, but I fail a lot. Is God calling me to keep trying or does He call me away.

I know, ultimately, that I am meant to be doing missions. I also know that I am a missionary everyday, and I work hard to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind. I know that I am going to be in Africa, I know I will work with youth, I know that I will proclaim His name and I know my life will be in danger. That doesn't scare me. The thought of getting stuck here in America, scares me more than I will admit, right up there with the fear of never being loved again. I want so bad to be married and to raise up a family that serves the Lord.

I don't think that will ever happen, I feel ugly and inadequate. All the while my head screams at me this isn't true. How funny is it, that in today's society, when we are so apt to think with our hearts and feelings alone and leave our minds behind, that it's my mind that has no problem aligning itself with God, but that my heart can't be convinced.

Some days, I feel dead inside.

Last week, I was really blessed, I got a lot of bad news, but God gave me some really great friends to lift me up. Laken, especially, after Planet Wisdom...

I feel lost, where is my generation? I love the generation coming up, they are amazing encouragement to me... I have dear friends in the generation before me... but where is my generation? I can name a few close friends who are approximate in age with me... but it seems their lives are moving them further away from me. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand as the world quickly passes me by, everyone keeps getting married, having children, finding dream jobs, going to school... everything... Where am I? What have I really done? I'm still going through the same ups and downs and doing nothing but treading water.

God, I just love You so much. I want to please You. I suck at it, I think. I want all these things, and I sometimes think I know better, how foolish is that? I know that You know so much better than I can fathom. Help me to move forward, I'm tired of being mired in this place. I want to put my trust wholly in You, but I can't do it without Your help. So God, help me. Help me to recognize desires that are pleasing to You and to banish those that keep me from You. Forgive me, for I am separated from You and it hurts. Thank You for Your Son. It's in His name, amen.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."
- Lamentation 3:22-23

"Lost in Marriage" And Stuff

2006-05-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

It’s crazy how God works some times. The way that things hit you… Take this Sunday’s sermon for instance, “Lost in Marriage,” when I first read that in my program thing I was like great, I don’t want to hear this. I’m not married, I don’t have a boyfriend, I mean I haven’t even been on a date in a year, what can I possibly get out of this? However, I decided that instead of flipping through my bible and reading something else, I would pray that God help me to listen and really open my heart to the message and boy did He ever hear that prayer.

At first I felt really alone and I felt jealous, but as we got deeper into the meanings of the scriptures I was really enjoying it. It actually took until today at lunch, as I was reading through 1 John again and flipping around to some of the references, for the awesomeness to really hit me.

The last few months have been a real blessing in many ways. I’ve also had a real amazing thing (for lack of a better term happen) for the first time in my life, I have desired to be married, and after “Lost in Marriage” I have a real understanding of what marriage should be. I’ve never really had great examples of marriage in my life, I’m a child of a broken home and I’ve seen many of my friends and relatives marriages fall apart. I loathe divorce and I would never want that to happen to me so I figured the best way to avoid it would be to never get married.

Hearing Todd talk about marriage though, as marriage is in the scriptures was just wonderful. To get a better understanding of the roles a woman and a man have to play. To be able to understand what true submission would mean, the willing subjection of a woman to her man and it took me hearing what a man should be doing to understand why a woman would want to do that. A husband is to love his wife as Christ loves His church. Take a moment and contemplate that and then tell me what woman wouldn’t willing submit herself to that! I know I would, in a heartbeat…

I finally understand what joy I would be able to find in marriage, in submission… I’m finally willing to say that I will love, honor and obey my husband (HFF, lol). I know that if I am loved by my husband as God intends him to love me that I will delight in subjecting myself to him as I delight in my submission to Christ. I just can’t wait to find someone else to share my life with and to honor our Father with, it’s a covenant I am ready to enter into with the right man.

And now for the And Stuff:

I was talking with a very dear friend today, encouraging her to come with me to Church. She asked me something that really threw me for a loop but really made sense, she said I love God, I believe in Him but I don’t understand how you can spend hours at Gargoyle’s talking about Him. It’s crazy, but I can understand what she means, I’ve always spent hours thinking about God, I’ve always loved spending hours reading my bible, I just guess I was just never with the right group of people before to be able to spend that amount of time discussing God… She also told me she was happy I was finding God again, but I was a little confused, because I never lost Him… But I did realize how remiss I had been in sharing my faith with those I saw everyday. I had been spending plenty of quiet time with God everyday for the last few years, but I had not been talking with my friends about it, at least not the friends I spent most of my time with. I realized I spent more time talking with my co-workers about God than I spent talking with those closest to me, I tell you all now, I’m sorry.

So the point here, I love talking about God and digging deeper into His word. I don’t understand how you can be a true Christian and not hunger to be into his word. Everything we need is in the pages of our holy book. If you want to know why or when or how or anything, pick it up and read! God gave us an instruction manual and so many of us forget to use it.

And another thing, LOVE, God is love so can we all please at least try to love as Christ loved? I’m just as guilty of walking in the darkness as everyone else but I don’t want that to be me anymore. I want to walk in the light and I know that because Christ died and rose again that I am able to do that. I am able to leave my sinful life behind and redeem myself so that I can walk in the light and learn to love like Christ.

Okay, another thing, there is only one truth and that is God’s truth and if we distort that to fit our own understandings and we try and put God into a neat little box we do not have the truth in us. We can’t only follow the part of the truth we like or try and twist the meaning of the words so that we can justify our wrong actions and them profess that we are of God because we have twisted the truth… It’s just madness. I’m not perfect and I know I can’t be perfect but I don’t want to mar what is perfect and that is that which is of God and of the truth and of the word.

I know this has been disjointed but I think the point I was trying to make before I got lost was that I want to love like Christ, live in the truth like Christ and I want everyone to understand that we should hunger for His word and to be deeper into it because His word is TRUTH, so yeah, I can spend a few hours talking about it because I am passionate about Christ.

But you know, don’t take my word for it, pick up a bible and take His.

Last Monday

2006-05-08T20:55:00.000-07:00

Written before Melissa was in that terrible crash, pray for her healing and I'm so happy she's still with us!

Monday was probably what most would consider the one of the worst days of their lives. Funny thing is, it wasn’t. I had worse days with my father or with Doug. What was the difference this time? God. I wasn’t walking the right paths four years ago, yeah I was a believer but I was also denying Christ then. I said I was walking in the light but I was truly lost in the dark and making a liar of God. I claimed to have faith but I did not, I had an idea and that was that, I knew the truth but did not KNOW The Truth.

So when I got tossed some major lemons Monday, I was more able to handle them than I had ever been before, I made some great lemonade. I prayed throughout the entire day that God’s will be done and that he bless all those I came in contact with. It worked and in turn, I was blessed. I also really felt the fruit of God’s labour in me as well as I utilized much of the patience He has instilled in me over the past two years.

Thank you, God, for all of your many gifts. You have shown me the great strength that I have when I am able to rely on you. You have shown me that even when I err that I can still come to you to ask for You forgiveness and for Christ’s blood to continually cleanse me. I know the true meaning of fellowship as I strive to walk in the light with Christ. I know security is, knowing You are always there to catch me when I stumble and fall.

I feel content in knowing You, even if I do struggle sometimes… I know that even though I feel adrift and lost in this world that You are there with me and I know that you have the map even if I can’t see it.

Help me, Father, to understand that I can be a good daughter and that I am worthy of your love. Break me down and kill those things in me that are not of You… Build me up a better servant each day.

Bless each and everyone that they may know You as I do.

Thoughts

2006-04-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's inconceivable to me that I was put on this earth for any other reason than to worship and glorify God. I am unworthy of his grace, but he gives it anyway. He gives me, a sinner, a human, an imperfect being, the amazing opportunity to be a part of His plan and to witness for Him... It's absolutely incredible.

Revelations 4:11 "Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created."

Lord, help me to live out a life worthy of You. Take my life and do what You will with it. I am broken for You, I ask that You continually break me, every day, that You build me up stronger each time. Help me to live a life a love, to have faith and to make my every action one that You would desire. Father, You have held me close when there was none one else, You have held me close when I felt all was lost. You lifted me up and set me on my feet again. I want to be a source of pleasure for You. I want my every word to be a testament to You. Lord, humble me, for I am nothing without You.

Thank You for Your Son.

Jesus, for all the pain You endured so a desperate soul like me could enter into Your Kingdom, I am grateful beyond words. It is for You I breathe, for You I live, for You I die. Anything You ask of me, I will do. You are bright and glorious and beyond my comprehension. That You died for my sins is the most beautiful gift I have ever or will ever receive. My Saviour, please, help me to glorify You... Every day in every way possible.

A life lived for Christ is the only life worth living. I pray that we all can come to know Christ as our Lord and Saviour.

I am flawed, but I am loved. I pray to be broken and humbled by my Father. I pray to become as close to Him as humanly possible.

I pray for all, that everyone would know Him and realize their place in His plan.

Senseless

2006-03-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

Begin random thought:

I had a whole other blog in mind but I think that perhaps this is more appropriate. At least, it’s more what I am feeling right now.

I cannot even begin to comprehend the amazing love that God has for us. I cannot even imagine being able to comprehend something so vast. I find it absolutely awe inspiring that He loves me, even though I am not worthy.

That said, I read this on my Google homepage thing that has the daily quotes and all that jazz and I wrote it down earlier this week and was reminded of it at coffee house...

"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

/random

I’ve spent a lot of time recently contemplating suffering and how my relationship with God grown through my own trials. I never feel Him so close as when I am broken. I pray that God will continue to break me down so that when I am stripped bare he will build me back up in a way that would please Him…

There are a few scriptures that I want to discuss but I don’t feel that tonight is the best time to do it.

Alright, I admit it, this is the most discombobulated blog I have ever written, I feel pulled in a million directions but I can’t focus on what I really want to write about so I think I’ll take it as a sign to quit for tonight.

Hopefully, I’ll be back soon and making much more sense.

God Bless!

This is kind of sad...

2006-03-25T07:13:00.000-08:00

How to make a Kat

Ingredients:

1 part anger

5 parts self-sufficiency

5 parts leadership

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add sadness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Maybe I should be going by my full name:

How to make a Kathryn

Ingredients:

3 parts intelligence

1 part brilliance

1 part ego

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of sadness

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

And what's with this dash of sadness bit?

Anywho, I'm working on another long blog right now inspired by an NPR program I heard several days ago, so look for that soon.

Beautifully Confused

2006-03-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

From a very young age, I've been consumed with the need to serve God.

One of my earliest memories is of a dream I had about Jesus. Dream, seems almost to mundane to adequately describe this memory, more of a vision. Without a doubt, I know that however I classify it in my mind, that it came from outside my own, admittedly vivid, imagination. I was about four or five, living in a neighborhood called High Meadows, in Wake Cross Roads, North Carolina, when I had this dream. I was standing in our driveway, looking into the window of our minivan... it was the long side window on the sliding door. I can remember, with crystal clarity, what I saw reflected in that window, for it was no blond mess of curls that stared back at me. Before me, in all His magnificent glory, was Jesus Christ. He had a kindly face, very tanned, but His eyes shone with love. He was impossibly grand against a brilliant pink hued sky, and if I looked carefully I could see angels take flight behind Him, but even their bright splendor was pale by comparison to the face before me.

Now, before I tell you what happened next, keep in mind, I was a very precocious child.

You would think, that I would have had more sense and would have politely waited to be spoken to before opening my mouth, but oh no, not me. Before I could even comprehend what I was seeing, my insatiable need to know ran away with my mouth. I pulled out a bible (don't ask me where I had that) and flip it open to Acts and hand it over to Jesus (again, don't ask me to make sense of handing a book through a reflection, God is omnipotent, remember?), imploring Him to explain it to me because I didn't understand. I remember the gentle sound of His laugh as he looked at the book I had put in his hands and He held it out so we both could see as He began to answer my questions. Even now, I can't comprehend why I saw Him and although at the time, to my very young mind, it seemed perfectly logical that Jesus would take the time to answer every single one of my seemingly endless questions, I am astonished by that now.

It was as if a lifetime had passed when my question dwindled (at least about Acts) and I then turned to the one other book I wanted explained to me, Revelations. I was heartbroken by the sad smile that He gave me then, reaching out to touch me softly and without words, I understood that it was not for me to understand as His image began to fade. I remember pressing my had against the glass silently pleading for Jesus to stay with me, as I was bereft without Him. As a tear slid down my cheek, and I could barely see His outline, I was overcome by such a feeling of peace, that I forgot to miss Him as He went... Never since then, have I felt alone.

Of course, since then, He has broken me down more times than I could ever count, building me up stronger each time He lifts me back up. My whole life, I have felt the compulsion to serve Him, though at times I've shamed myself by refusing to acknowledge it. The last five or six years I have become increasingly frustrated and confused as it seems the stronger my faith becomes, the harder it is to pierce the fog to find my way. I constantly question Him, I want to know what path I should walk for Him. I want to learn to separate my desires from those of my Father's. I want to know what it is that He has built me up for, what it is that I have suffered for, what it is that I He would have me become strong for.

I need, no, I desire to know how I am to glorify His name.

I pray for the time when the Lord shall reveal that to me, and I'm beginning to hope that time is drawing near. However, I'm absolutely terrified if this is the case. I am not worthy enough for this, I am still to prideful, I am not nearly humble enough, not nearly broken enough to be filled with His Holy Spirit.

I've never blogged much about my Faith before, surprisingly enough, especially for anyone who knows how happy I am to share my opinions on God. I feel compelled to start now, so I've begun anew with a new blog. I see this becoming a regular account of my search for the path God has laid for me and I welcome all comments and invite everyone to start or continue along the same journey with me, even if our paths don't meet.

God Bless.